The following advice for American travellers going to France was compiled
from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA,the US
Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for
Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French
don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only.

General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly
as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and
some smaller nations of no particular importance and with not very good
shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and
Eurodisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are
champagne,Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to
get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors
is that local people insist on speaking in French, though many will speak
English if shouted at. Watch your money at all times.


The People
France has a population of 56 million people. 52 million of these drink and
smoke (the other 4 million are small children). All French people drive
like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing
patiently in a queue. The French people are in general gloomy,
temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their
good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would
hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists. Men
sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other
when they meet. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and
wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier recognition.


Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers must be aware
that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the French
surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky
and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market
prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been
opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee
to London during future German invasions.
History
France historical figures are King Louis, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc,
Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years
and is now an airport. The French were never very imaginative and all their
kings were called Louis. The Frenchenjoyed their Revolution which set up
their republic. It was so successful that they did it again, and again and
again.


Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy.
Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a draw.
The French love administration so for government purposes the country is
divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns,
communes,villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own
government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper
and Lower, though confusingly  they are both on the ground floor, and whose
members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should be
trusted by the traveller.
Parliament's principal occupation is testing atomic bombs in the south
Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries
complain,and then complaining when the Arabs do the same in Paris.
According to the most current American state department intelligence, the
President is now someone named Jacques.
Further information is not available at this time.


Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see
why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that
you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.


Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are excellent,
although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In
general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.


Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in
Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they
are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and
blocking the roads with their trucks andtractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are
wine, nuclear weapons,perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade
launchers, land mines,tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and
cheese.


Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the
world. Among its 361 national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National
Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de
Gaulle in triumph as if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napolean sent
into Exile Days, 17 Napolean Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 "France is
Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish" Days.


Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it was not
inhabited by French people.The best thing that can be said for France is
that it is not Germany.

Back to List