Things you can't say in a Hallmark card

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there
was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas or Tasmania)
 

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