THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL CVs AND COVERING LETTERS
1. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet pogroms.
2. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
5. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
8. Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
9. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
10. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments.
11. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
12. I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail.
13. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
14. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
15. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
16. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
17. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job.
18. Marital status: often. Children: various.
19. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers.
20. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
21. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This associate is really not so much of a "has-been", but
more of a
definitely "won't be".
4. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change which
ever foot was previously in there.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.
THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS
1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.
4. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
10. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
11. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
13. This soldier will spend the rest of his service career pushing doors
marked pull!
EXTRA THING
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my
aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the
ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that shit
after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.